When I was 12, I was rejected by the performing arts high school I had had my heart set on attending. I thought my world would end. I wanted, so badly, to be a ballerina. And in some ways, my world did end. The life of tutus, tulle and Tchaikovsky that I had dreamed of was gone.
In the wake of this rejection, I submitted a poem to the Star newspaper (the South African equivalent of the Vancouver Sun.) Titled “What the Wind Said to Me,” I imagine it was filled with angst and sadness and all that good stuff. It became my first piece of published writing. It was thrilling.
Since then, I have been rejected by the convent, the New York Times, the circus, and a list too long to recite here. Each “no” has left me sad. Annoyed. And confused. I don’t really know why the convent and the circus rejected me. (I don’t recall auditioning for either position.) I still sometimes catch myself dreaming of flying through the air in a sparkly outfit. The crowd under the Big Top goes wild as I grab the trapeze swinging towards me. It’s only later that I remember my fear of heights.
There is research linking rejection to increased emotional resilience; apparently, it develops patience, motivation, and perspective. That’s all simply splendid, but it’s still not fun. It feels so personal. Booker Prize winner, Howard Jacobson, says: “Rejection is the one constant of human experience.” That means, I guess, that I’m not a special little snowflake after all – rejection is universal.
When an email from a stranger popped into my inbox recently, asking me if I would be interested in collaborating on her rejection project, I was intrigued. I have written often about my love of strangers. It is from strangers that I have discovered the most fantastic things – while waiting in doctors’ offices, during intermission at theatres, in coffee shops, at cemeteries, and of course now cyberspace, though I find this trickier to navigate. (My childhood was devoid of technology. No TV. No cell phones. No computers.)
Growing up on the southern tip of Africa, I understood that the bubble in which I existed was tiny. Strangers offered stories of worlds I had not yet experienced, and perhaps never would. This was the era before stranger danger, where we spent our days wandering the neighbourhood barefoot, collecting pinecones, burning ants (I’m not sure why), and striking up conversations with people in the street.
Alice (the stranger who emailed me) found me online. (Twenty-somethings know how to do this.) She wondered if I would be open to chatting.
I responded: “Yes!” (A stranger, rejection stories, and a potential collaboration in one fell swoop – how could I say no?)
We met on Zoom. Alice is a force. Of talent. Passion. And kindness. She is an old soul with the energy and drive of youth. And she exhibits the kind of humility that understands that we are all inextricably linked and stronger, by far, when we work together.
Alice shared her new project with me: a podcast called My Rejection Story.
Her mission, she explains, “is to humanize the stories of some of society’s most successful thought leaders.” In these exclusive interviews, people like Gay Hendricks, Neil Patel, and other fairly famous folk, talk about the really tough times in their professional lives and how these have shaped the success they have since experienced.
Alice and I got slightly side-tracked on Zoom. But that’s what happens in the best of conversations, isn’t it? They veer onto dirt roads, T-junctions, mud puddles, and even the odd labyrinth-in-the-middle-of-a-forest. They make your world bigger. Offer new perspectives. And sometimes even turn strangers into friends. It’s why I can’t wait to tune into Alice’s podcast.
Guggenheim Fellow and award-winning writer, James Lee Burke, says: “There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself.” To figure out what lights you up, what values you hold closest, what possible paths you have not yet taken.
If you have any experience of rejection, I’m betting you’re going to find yourself in these stories. And perhaps even some as-yet-unconsidered possibilities. My Rejection Story podcast launches in September on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and YouTube.
This opinion piece appears in the September 2024 edition of The Beacon newspaper.